Boulevard Of Broken Dreams
by purple-shoe
Summary: ONE-SHOT! Songfic to song by Greenday. Rated for slight swearing. This is basically Harrys thoughts during the summer after ootp: his parents, Sirius, his friends and the love he longs to have with a certain bushy-haired girl.


Disclaimer: All things Harry Potter-related belong to J.K. Rowling. I only own the plot. I also don't own the song...well I own a CD of it but the song is by Greenday.

A/N This is just a little one shot I thought of while listening to this song. I instantly thought of Harry when I heard this and how he feels all alone at the end of ootp.

Just to let you know this fic is mostly made up of Harry's thoughts. Angst basically. The h/h stuff only comes at the very end and it is only a small part so I don't want people to get the wrong idea and then get disappointed.

Also the rating of this is mainly only because of the one bit of foul language in the song. I was gonna change it but then I thought it helps to show Harry's true feelings so I left it as it is.

I recommend that if you can, listen to the song while you read this or even try get a copy of it. It's an amazing song and just picture Harry saying the lyrics and you will know exactly what I mean.

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**Boulevard of Broken Dreams**

_I walk a lonely road  
The only one that I have ever known  
Don't know where it goes  
But it's home to me and I walk alone_

Harry Potter had always been alone. Even in the busy crowds of Diagon Alley, even in a Potions class of about thirty…he was alone. Sounds impossible, but it was true.

He wasn't like everyone else. So many things (too many for him to count) had gradually, over the years, separated him from him and the rest of the Wizarding world.

What was worse was that he knew this all of his life. As a boy he never fitted into the muggle world. The Dursleys and the bullies at school made his life miserable. He spent hours in his cupboard alone waiting for a miracle and at night he would dream that he was walking down an empty road, with no idea where he was going and nobody there to help him.

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_I walk this empty street  
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams  
Where the city sleeps  
and I'm the only one and I walk alone_

Right now he was alone in his room in Grimmauld place. At the end of fifth year he went to stay for the Dursleys for a week, not his choice but because he had to. After that Dumbledore moved him to Grimmauld place for his protection. Some members of the order and the Wealseys (except Percy) were staying too and Hermione eventually came after about three weeks. Personally, Harry didn't care who was there, no matter how many people were in the house, he still felt alone.

_I walk alone  
I walk a..._

_  
_Sure, people came in to see him, try to talk to him but Harry didn't want to see anyone. It just made him annoyed that they would not leave him alone. They couldn't help anyway…they couldn't undo a bloody prophecy could they?

_I walk alone  
I walk a..._

It was almost a month into the summer holidays and Harry had barely left the room – only to go to the bathroom and to sneak downstairs for food in the middle of the night. All day, everyday, he would lie in darkness thinking. Thinking about his parents, Sirius, Remus, Hermione, Ron, the rest of the Weasleys. He loved them all so much but he had already caused them too much pain. The guilt was unbearable.

Today was no different than any other day. After Remus sending him in a bowl of cereal Harry just lay in his bed all day, just like he did when he was younger when he was waiting for a miracle. But now the miracle was different - to free him from Voldemort and to free him from the prophecy.

He was listening to a muggle song on the wizard radio. Remus had charmed it so that it can play some muggle radio stations. He had heard this song quite a few times in the last week and it was currently his favourite – not because he enjoyed the song, but because he felt that the lyrics were telling his story.

_My shadow's the only one that walks beside me  
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating  
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me  
'Til then I walk alone_

Harry was so deep in his thoughts that he got quite a fright when someone knocked gently on the door.

"Harry? Harry dear?"

It was Mrs Weasley. She usually called around this time, asking him to join in with whatever they were doing; though the answer from Harry was always the same.

She heard her try to come in but the door was locked.

"Lunch is ready if you want something to eat," she said through the door.

"I'm not hungry Mrs Weasley,"

"Well there's always leftovers if you change your mind. Oh and Mad-eye found a deserted field not far from here and said that it was safe to go. Ron and the rest of the boys are going to play Quidditch and they really want you to come."

Quidditch…Harry missed it so much. Flying was one of the only things that wasn't a burden to Harry, it made him feel free. But physically, he just couldn't anymore.

"Thanks for the offer but I really don't feel like it,"

"Oh please Harry dear I'm sure that it will make you feel-"

"No really…I…can't."

Mrs. Weasley didn't want to get Harry into a worse state so she gave in.

"Ok dear but if you change your mind, just let us know. The boys would love you to come."

And with that she left, leaving Harry more depressed than ever.

_Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,  
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah  
_

He was just too tired, nothing complicated about it. It seemed that spending each day doing nothing and hiding from the world was more exhausting than a Quidditch match. He had finally run out of energy but he knew that he would need his strength. It would take a lot more than a few spells to defeat Voldemort.

He felt torn in half: between what he wanted to do and what he HAD to do.

_I'm walking down the line  
That divides me somewhere in my mind  
On the border line  
Of the edge and where I walk alone_

He desperately wanted to play Quidditch, even just to have fun with his friends, like a normal teenage boy, but his friends were in enough trouble as it is. Voldemort could strike at any moment and kill whoever was with him without a second thought. _That was why he was doing this_… for their protection. He had put them in enough danger already, especially Ron and Hermione.

Every year, they willingly risked their lives for him, to protect him. Harry didn't know where he would be without them. They were the two best friends anyone could ever ask for...that was why it was so hard for him to desert them. He now needed them more than ever, but it wasn't that simple. Nothing was simple anymore. Nothing was fair!!

_Read between the lines  
What's fucked up and everything's alright  
Check my vital signs  
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone_

It was in the department of mysteries when it had finally hit Harry. Up until then, he had always liked having Ron and Hermione's help and enjoyed being in a team with them. It was usually just him that ended up facing Voldemort anyway. But now they had been forced right into the middle of the battle, alongside Harry.

Seeing them being hit, spell after spell, and knowing that it was his fault, was terrifying. Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville and Luna had all suffered because of his stupid, pathetic mistake. Especially Hermione.

But seeing Hermione being hit with that curse by the death eater was really the thing that sealed his decision. For the split second that he thought she was dead, he felt dead too. And the relief that spread over him when Neville told him she wasn't was one of the best feelings in the world. However this feeling was soon consumed by guilt. It would have been his fault if she had died.

_I walk alone  
I walk alone_

I walk alone  
I walk a...  


Currently, Hermione was still receiving treatment for the curse. Sometimes (on his way to the kitchen at night) he could hear her wincing in pain when he walked past her bedroom. Even though Hermione insisted that she was feeling better when she visited him, he knew that a part of her was lying to make him feel better.

It was that very moment in the Department of mysteries when Harry realised that he loved Hermione with all his heart, and would do anything for her. Whether she felt the same, he did not know but he knew that he could never reveal his feelings, it would only put Hermione in more danger and Harry couldn't bear that. He was sacrificing his only remaining hope of love, to save her.

_My shadow's the only one that walks beside me  
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating  
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me  
'Til then I walk alone_

Both Ron and Hermione still had hope that everything would be alright. Harry wished he had that too but for him, it had died a long time ago, along with his freedom in life.

Everyday Ron and Hermione would come see him, talk to him, try to have a laugh like the old times, but those days were over. They were over. It distraught him to see them being hurt by his behaviour. The tears which filled Hermione's eyes most nights were enough to make him die on the spot with guilt. But she didn't understand. Ron didn't understand. He was avoiding them to protect them…couldn't they see that?

Then suddenly, against his will, the tears started to fall, again. He turned on his side with his back facing the door and tried to fall asleep. He came face to face with his bedside cabinet, and on it…the mirror Sirius gave him. He lay staring at it, for what seemed like ages.

'_Just give it one last try, it won't do any harm.'_

So just like he had done many times before, Harry picked up the mirror and stated clearly.

"Sirius Black"

……………..

Nothing.

"Sirius Black

…………..

Still nothing.

"Oh what's the point?" he said as he slammed the mirror back on the table. Sirius Black, the only family he had left, was gone. And it was all his fault.

_Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah  
Ah-ah, Ah-ah  
_

Not a day went by when Harry didn't think of him. He missed him so much. Almost every night he would dream of his death, a constant reminder that it could have all been prevented. But lately he had been having other dreams, dreams of his mum and dad's wedding.

He watched the ceremony in which Sirius winked at James and cheered very loudly at the end, causing many of the congregation to laugh.

He watched their first dance. They swayed to the music. It was a much different James to what Harry had seen before. He was hugging her tight and playing with the ringlets in Lily's hair and Lily was leaning her head on his chest. They held each other so tightly that they looked like the never wanted to let go. Their love was obvious and it clear that they were having the time of their lives. Sirius and Remus were watching the couple and they looked so happy for them.

_I walk alone  
I walk a..._

Harry couldn't take it anymore. He curled up into a very small ball and let his tears run freely.

"Sirius," he sobbed. "Mum……Dad…please……………please……help me……help…don't….leave….me."

_I walk this empty street  
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams  
Where the city sleeps  
And I'm the only one and I walk a..._

He lifted his head up and stared in to the mirror on the far side of the room. He was ashamed of the reflection. He didn't feel like he was looking at himself. Sure, the scar was still there as well as his messy black hair and glasses, but now the cracks of stress were beginning to show: his face was pale, he appeared thinner through lack of food (despite the fact that Quidditch had made him quite muscly), he had bags under his eyes from sleep deprivation and his eyes were bloodshot from the tears being forced out of him.

Physically, he couldn't take it any more, the stress of fighting Voldemort every year, the pain of loved ones being taken from him not to mention the fact that Voldemort may come back at any time. People expected him to ready, but he wasn't. They were asking too much of him.

_My shadow's the only one that walks beside me  
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating  
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me  
'Til then I walk alone..._

"I'm alone,"

Just as the song ended Harry was almost sure that he heard a sob…but from someone else. Out of nowhere he managed to find the energy to get out of bed and walk to the door. His legs were stiff and he felt light headed – that was what he got for lying in bed all day.

When he reached the door he very quietly opened the door only a couple of inches (he didn't want people to notice him). He peered through the door…but nobody was there.

'_You're imagining things Harry. Why would someone else be crying?'_

He turned round to go back to bed but something on the floor caught his eye.

A small piece of parchment was on the floor. When he picked it up he noticed that it was stained with tears. Written on it was a small message. The small, neat handwriting made it obvious who wrote it even though the ink had ran slightly form the tears:

_You will never be alone Harry._

_X forever_

He slowly traced the shape of the x with his shaking finger…the x…the kiss...wishing with all of his heart that it could be more…but knowing that his fate will make sure it never could.

"Hermione," he whispered.

A/N: Wow Im nearly in tears after writing this. Not all stories end sad you know! I hoped you like it and I promise that my next little h/hr fic will be happy! I just had to get this story out of my head.

If you have a comment please review!! I love all of them though no flames please….this story is dark enough don't you think?!

Until next time...that's all folks!

Stephy xx


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